The Return of Tex

Not sure where to start, really.  It’s been a while since I posted anything and for good reason.  I’ve gotten to the point recently in which it is quite clear that I have spread myself too thin.  Mind you, everything in the life of Tex couldn’t be better but now that I’ve worn myself down to almost nothing, it’s starting to affect me and the people closest to me.  I’m tired.  I’m picking ridiculous, petty fights.  I’m more snarky than normal (quite the shocker, I’m sure…).

On top of my full-time job, I am also a full-time student.  I already have a degree yet I’m going back for another because my job is so boring it sucks the life right out of me.  Luckily, a few of my classes are online so that’s what I work on during the day.  In addition to the full-time work/school, I am also lending a hand at my brother-in-laws custom shop by doing their books.  And if all that weren’t enough, I’m also balancing a grueling CrossFit schedule and a boyfriend.  The boyfriend is not grueling…he’s awesome. 

SO…what gives?  What can be taken out of the equation?  Obviously, I must work.  The real estate in my city has skyrocketed to the point of utter ridiculousness because of the oil boom.  Thank you, west Texas…

CrossFit is my release.  LOVE IT.  My little bro is my own personal trainer and I couldn’t be more thrilled with my progress even though there is so much further to go.  We are also signed up for the Tough Mudder race in October and I’m STOKED!  This is the first “goal” I’ve had in quite some time and this is something I must do for myself.  Right alongside the CrossFit, I’ve begun eating super healthy and am trying to stick as close as possible to the Paleo diet.  Not only is the food delicious but it’s reminded me how much I enjoy cooking and trying new things.  I’ve even started growing some of my own herbs and it’s amazing the difference it makes in the food AND my grocery bill!

School is where I’m having the hardest time.  I’m doing well in all my classes, mind you, it’s just that I’m questioning whether or not this is the right time for me to do this.  I hate to quit now…especially with my good grades and my scholarship.  The thing is that in order to keep the scholarship, it is required that I enroll as a full-time student.  Yikes.

As for the boyfriend…he is my saving grace.  We both have extremely busy lives so he is not needy, clingy or dependent.  Therefore, I rejoice.  He’s also not an asshole like some of the others I’ve dated.  Therefore, I’m content.  He’s all about my cooking.  Therefore, I cook more.  He makes me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world.  Therefore, I question his sanity.  Just kidding.

The Boyfriend is the main reason I’ve got to figure out what is making me so snarky and mean right now.  I severely overanalyzed something he said (or did not say…who knows) and made the mistake of letting it overrun my brain.  I was upset, he was upset.  For no reason.  Brilliant.

As I was sitting alone last night pondering the goings on of the previous few days, I believe I discovered the root of why I was acting a fool.  My latest post on Facebook reads,

There is a sense of belonging that every human needs.  It sucks feeling like you just don’t belong.

This applies to many aspects of my life ranging from family to friends which really sucks balls because all my family lives in the same city that I do.  Sometimes I feel like I was adopted because I just don’t “fit”.  It’s hard to explain…  I’ve always been the black sheep and, oddly enough, I’m alright with that.  It just seems as though they don’t really want me around sometimes and it hurts.  As far as friends I’m not so sure where to begin so I’ll leave that for my next post which should give me some time to piece together my thoughts.

Nothing. Again.

Suddenly I feel very lonely.  I don’t mind being alone, but lonely is a whole new bag of stale potato chips.  It’s a hollow feeling that doesn’t come around very often but when it does it’s like my body has been drained of any and all feeling that it had previously.

Numb.

Lifeless.

Empty.

There must be a way out of this mess I call my brain.  Maybe it’s not a mess but I feel that it is…

Nothing.

What does it mean when you feel nothing at all?

The emptiness plagues my soul.  Blackness seeps into my pores, wraps its ugly hands around my throat.   What a few simple words can usually describe currently escapes my mind.  The spiral twists and turns into nothingness…it engulfs me, pulls me down, strips what is left of me.  And I am left naked, empty and alone.  Agonizing.  Tormenting.  Painful.  Or is it?  I think not…  This feeling is almost welcome.

Alone usually isn’t so bad.  I love being alone.  I strive to be alone but when those black skeleton-like fingers rise from the depths of hell, it causes you to question why your life is so royally fucked. 

Anger, depression, doubt, hostility, betrayal….  These are all things I should be feeling at the moment yet there is nothing.  I’m suspended above the life I lead.  Floating.  With no emotion whatsoever.

Writing. Good for the Soul?

I’m at a loss for words and really don’t even feel like writing.  But I should, I guess.  No good reason.  Been kinda down in the dumps lately…

I don’t understand people and a previous post explained (kind of…) what happened.  Yes, I’m the one that broke it off but it was him that came groveling, wanting another chance.  What the hell, I’m an idiot…  I took the very last sliver of hope I had and hesitantly bought in to the next hand.  Then I found out the other day that he is now “official” with his ex-girlfriend who is…….

….WAIT FOR IT…..WAIT FOR IT….

HIS BEST FRIEND’S EX-WIFE.  And I’m not talking about “best friend” as you know it.  This is pretty much his BROTHER.  Ugh…I almost threw up in my mouth.  So yes, this girl was his girlfriend, left him for his best friend/brother, GOT MARRIED, divorced and surprise…they are now back together.  Is this beyond FUCKED UP to anyone other than myself?  And I do apologize for the all CAPS…but I’m fucking blown away.  Needless to say, heavy drinking ensued directly following said event.  Got off work Friday and a 12-pack was gone before 10 p.m.  But thanks to a lovely guy friend (who is also rather hot) I kept drinking.  So I blame it on him that I ended up having to stay at a friends house that night.  Luckily my sleeping bag was in the trunk.

I love it how I do nothing but be awesome to this person and it all gets thrown back in my face.  Frankly, I’m glad the drama is over and I can get on with my life.  This is an instance where I can say with confidence that I, during the so-called relationship we had, did absolutely nothing wrong.  I’d be the first to admit if I screwed up in any way.  It just boggles the mind though as I sit and ponder the situation.  What is WRONG with me?  Did I really do something (when I know the answer is already NO)?  Is this what I always have to look forward to in a relationship?  Maybe I’m just fucking nuts for even thinking we would have a chance.

Then I begin to mentally beat myself up.

So there.  That’s why I haven’t written.  And, no, I don’t feel any better.  It’s all a bunch of lame ass whiney bullshit on my part.  I know I’m better off but it doesn’t make the situation any easier to understand.

Fact, Fiction and the Blurred Line

How many times have you received an email only to be followed by another that says something like, “I checked snopes.com and the email you just received is not true.”

I take issue with this because:

1. If you’re going to send a mass email to every bloody person in your contact list, please use the “bcc” box for their addresses. I can’t stand when people forward me useless bullshit emails and, frankly, I really don’t care who you’re sending it to. It pisses me off when I do get one of these so-called “false” emails that is immediately followed up by someone (who I don’t know) claiming snopes.com provided them with the correct answer. Really?? Are you sure???

2. People of the world today (most, not all) depend on the likes of Snopes and Wikipedia, or any other “factual” site for that matter, to form their opinions on different subjects. What happened to good old fashioned RESEARCH??

I’m not claiming to be a scholar on any subject whatsoever, including those subjects I know forward and backward. There is always someone smarter than me and I’m okay with that. But I do credit myself for not taking only one source as complete fact. I’m also not saying that Snopes and Wikipedia are bad resources. I use them, but I don’t form my opinion based on them.

It irks me when people refuse (or are too lazy) to form their OWN opinions and depend solely on websites, created and written by human beings. The last time I checked, we aren’t perfect.

It’s also a shame that because of the advances in modern technology, the line between fact and fiction is severely blurred. Or was there ever a line? For as long as I can remember, there have been cover-ups, lies, conspiracies, etc. and that is not going to change anytime soon.

So who determines the truth? And why do we credit them for stating said fact?

This post is my opinion, nothing more and nothing less. I believe that there are people out there who strive to write factually but my belief in that is not enough. Just because I’m reading a non-fiction book about Blackwater (interesting book, I might add) does not mean that I will take every word as unadulterated fact. My little checklist has many different topics and people I will research further once I’ve finished the book. I’ll take a risk and say that there might not be such a thing as “fact” any longer…it’s all an interpretation.

Everyone is entitled to their own opinions and I’m not the kind of person to relentlessly argue different points of view. But I like for my opinions to be my own…not one that someone else has tried to shove down my throat “because snopes.com said so.”

Starbucks: Saving the Planet One Cup at a Time. Or Not.

Everyone knows about the handy little sleeve that keeps you from burning precious fingers. I’m not sure why I never noticed this before, but the verbiage on the sleeve reads as follows:

“This sleeve is made from 60% post-consumer fiber.

It’s part of Starbucks Shared Planet,
our commitment to doing business in ways that are
good to each other, coffee farmers and the planet.”

Herein lies the question I have for Starbucks.

Why, Starbucks, are you boasting of your “green” methods of coffee drinking when you double-cup everything? If you’re so concerned about our planet and making it a better place, stop wasting thousands of cups in an attempt to keep from burning ones fingers. If an individual isn’t hard core enough to hold a coffee cup with aforementioned sleeve in tact, why are they even drinking coffee? I don’t think I’m the first to realize coffee is hot. Grow some balls, oh ye double-cuppers, and tell Starbucks to follow their “Shared Planet” motto or shove that extra cup up their ass.

I’m not one to go ape shit over the environment but it seems a bit strange that a company who shouts from the rooftops about their stance on a green planet probably produces more waste than anyone realizes.

Stepping off soapbox now.

Personal Notes to the People I Hate

Dear Guy Who Neglects His Blind Spot:

Who the hell taught you how to drive? I was right beside you when you decided to change lanes. I honked my horn and you look at me like I’m the idiot. Do it again and I’ll fucking kill you. You are the reason I need to get my concealed carry license.

Dear Shopper Ahead of Me in the 10 Items or Less Line:

Can you read? The sign says 10 Items or Less.  L-E-S-S.  Your cart has about 5,000 things in it. Shall I pull you aside and teach you the basics of counting to ten? Apparently this is difficult for you. Stop wasting my fucking time and get in the line you should be in. Next time, when I ram my shopping cart into your ankles, you will know why.

Dear Bookstore Patrons:

If you’re reading a book or magazine, move away from the rack so I can get the book I want. You are taking away precious square footage from people who actually want to buy something rather than read the entire book in the store. Bookstores have chairs and coffee shops for this reason. And don’t pretend like you don’t see me, you bastard. Get out of my way or I will paper cut your face.

Dear Mom Who Puts Their Kid on a Leash:

Are you fucking kidding me? Leashes are for dogs, not children. If you don’t have control of your kids, don’t bring them in public. Hell, if you’re gonna treat ‘em like dogs go ahead and get them fitted for a shock collar. A little zap will sure get their attention.

Dear Downstairs Neighbor:

I moved into my apartment on Saturday and you’re already pissing me the fuck off.  Why, oh why, must you rock out on the bass until midnight on a weeknight?  And, WHY GOD WHY, do you have to continue this horse shit at 6:00 IN THE MORNING.  That is all.

Tower to Tex: Change Your Course

Recently I watched the movie “Into the Wild” for the first time and I’ve already ordered the book (as books are always better than the movie).  One of my dear friends recommended the movie and said it reminded him of me and the changes I’ve been going through.  Although I cannot completely relate to this young man’s story, there are several similarities in our lives, or the lives we choose to lead.  Since moving back to my hometown after the divorce, I have begun re-evaluating my life and the effectiveness of it.  I’m not quite sure where I thought I was headed about a year ago, but several life changing events altered my perspective completely and for that I am grateful.

A few months ago, I made the decision to downsize, simplify, and live the life I want.  The life I want is not glamorous…it’s simple.  My definition of simple encompasses all that I am, not someone else’s idea of what is best for me.  Of course, some people do not understand the changes I’m making.  I never asked their opinion in the first place, and yet they still feel free to “enlighten” me.  My polite response is SUCK IT.  This is a decision I have made for myself and it has already been so liberating to get rid of so much shit.  I’ve never been a materialistic person but over the course of our lives we accumulate stuff that is absolutely meaningless in the long run.  Or, at least it is to me.

My ultimate goal is to get myself into a position to live temporarily, wherever I’d like, for a year then move on to the next place on the list.  In order to do this, I’ve already sold/given away a shitload of…well…shit and will be moving into a much smaller apartment this weekend.  This will put me in a better position to save money and pay off debt.  Just the idea of it thrills me to the core.  One thing I’ve learned about myself over the years is that I welcome change whether it be living arrangements, location or whatever.  It keeps me on my toes because I tend to get bored rather easily.

I’ve gotten to the point where I want more out of this life of mine.  I’m only 32…still plenty of time to change everything.  Throughout my years, I really don’t think I’ve ever been completely fulfilled by my life and it’s time for that to change.  I usually found myself marching to the beat of a drummer other than myself…it’s amazing how quickly you lose your identity when you’re not following your own heart.  Since I’ve started making these changes in my life the strangest thing has happened.  I smile more…laugh more…enjoy LIFE more.  And what’s even more strange about this is that I’m a realist (most people call me a pessimist, but fuck them).  Very rarely do I have a positive outlook on anything.

Don’t worry…something will piss me the fuck off tomorrow and you’ll hear all about it. 

The Left Hook of Life

Just when I’ve got everything figured out (or so I thought), life punches me in the face.  I don’t like that.  But you know, sometimes it takes that punch to realize what you’ve been missing or what you could have.  It also made me realize that I can smile again…laugh again…

I guess the problem starts with me.  My past is fairly rocky (we’ll get to that bullshit in a future post…or not) and I’m sure most people can relate.  But when you have the rocky past coupled with my perfectionist-type personality, questionable self-esteem, and the fact that I had convinced myself I didn’t deserve better…well, it makes for an interesting life.  Previously, I had written a bit about this person that has been putting me through hell lately.  Yes, it’s a guy.  And yes, he’s a douche fuck.  Not only is he a guy, he’s someone I’ve known for quite some time…great friend, funny, blah blah blah….

All that aside, it seems strange to me that when a door is closed another one slowly opens.  And not just a normal door…a door that I never would’ve thought of opening.  Okay, maybe I didn’t open it but it got opened for me.  Quite intriguing how things happen at just the right time.  We shall see what happens…more to come.

Beauty is STILL Only Skin Deep…

There are a few things in this world that make me cringe.  I have debated for a few months on whether or not to write about my topic of choice and the time has come.  Surely this post will offend the mothers of young girls who compete in so-called “beauty pageants” but at this point, something needs to be said.

Not long ago, I happened upon an episode of “Little Miss Perfect”.  My curiosity got the best of me and I suffered through an entire hour of this ridiculous show.  I didn’t think much of it at first but before the first commercial break I was absolutely mortified at what these mothers will do.

It’s almost laughable that pageant mothers think this is good for their daughter.  “They are working on self-confidence,” one said.  “It teaches her how to perform in front of a crowd,” says another.

My opinion?  BULLSHIT.

Now, don’t get me wrong…I know there are those kids out there who absolutely love the pageant scene…good for them, pursue your dream.  But 99% of these mothers are living vicariously through their kids.  It’s sickening.  The dresses these little girls wear cost anywhere from $500 to $1,200, if not more.  ONE DRESS worn ONE TIME.  I’m sorry but that’s three car payments for me.

One mother said that pageants are better for her daughter than team sports.  WHAT?!?!?  In a pageant environment, these girls are taught from an early age to compare their beauty against others.  These are little KIDS, for heaven’s sake.  It’s so sad to see their little faces when they are standing in line because all they’re doing is sizing up the competition.  How is that building self-confidence?  Why has this world gone so far as to take the pageant life to an extreme?  These little girls have their hair bleached, get spray on tans, manicures and pedicures on a regular basis, and have false teeth made to cover up their “imperfect” baby teeth.

Is this messed up to anyone but me?  Fake teeth???

Then comes the photo shoot that captures that “perfect” little girl.  Correct me if I’m wrong, but if I have a 5-year-old daughter, I’d like her to be 5…not 25.

Other things that bothered me about the show:

~  One mother made her young child drink Mountain Dew so she would have “energy” on stage.  Did she not see the 20/20 show about the kids in West Virginia?  Oh, nevermind…they wear fake teeth.

~  Parents will leave in a subpar home just so they can have the money for these pageants and if they don’t have the cash, they take out loans. On a fucking beauty pageant.  C’mon….

~  The mothers are more proud of the trophies than the girls.  Remember that living vicariously thing?

~  Some contestants come from other countries to compete in American pageants.  That’s disturbing on several levels. 

~  Mothers are more offended than their child if they lose.  I laughed when one of the moms cursed the judges all the way out to their car…with her daughter in earshot.   How’s that for a good example?

~  Some of the girls very obviously did not want to be involved in the pageant but did so only to please their mother.

~  There are “pageant message boards” on which mothers will publically bash other little girls and their mothers.  Talk about a boost in self-esteem.  Sign me up.

You know, it’s just sad.  Sad that we are taught from an early age that if you are beautiful, you win.  Who cares about the personality and the person inside?  That personality you see on the pageant stage is fake!  And people wonder why there are so many women today that suffer from eating disorders and major depression. 

To some of the mothers on the show, there were no other options.  Mainly because, I think, they wanted to revel in their daughter’s success, show off the trophies and tiaras, and have bragging rights.  What ever happened to team sports?  Dance classes?  Good ol’ fashioned piano lessons, or any musical instrument for that matter?  Last time I checked, you get all the attention you do from pageants except you’re not judged on how pretty you are or how hot you look in a bathing suit at age 5.

What is beauty?  Is it a picturesque view in the Grand Canyon, a supermodel, sunny days, endless fields of flowers?  And what defines it as being beautiful and why?  I’ll be interested to hear your opinions.